When does it become gaslighting?

An open dialogue begins in a space where both people are OK.

I’m going to tell you something I learned the hard way as a manager.

Nothing humbles your ego faster than a team member looking at you, unsure, and saying: “I didn’t feel respected in the meeting this morning.”

A sentence like that hits you out of nowhere. You didn’t see it coming, not in a million years.

And I’ll admit it today: ten years ago, I wouldn’t have responded the way I do now.

Back then, even with good intentions, I reacted too fast .I wanted to solve, soothe, clarify, and yes, justify. I would jump straight into: “Oh no, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant at all.”

Is that gaslighting? Not necessarily. But if I say it too early, before acknowledging what the other person experienced, it can feel like a form of invalidation and that’s when it starts looking like gaslighting.

And that’s exactly where many leaders slip, unintentionally.

And because I always understand better with real situations, chances are I’m not the only one ;) So here are a few examples:

Example 1

Imagine an employee coming to see you after a meeting, saying:

“During the meeting earlier, I felt talked down to.”

In that moment, a lot of managers would instinctively respond with something like:

“Wait, no, that wasn’t it at all, I was just trying to clarify!”

And that’s human. You’re trying to reassure, explain, move things forward. But when said too early, that response often feels like the person’s experience is being swept aside.

A more helpful way to approach the same moment is:

“Thank you for telling me. What happened for you in that moment?”

And once the person has expressed what they lived, then you can clarify your intention:

“I understand better now. It truly wasn’t my intention to make you feel that way.”

Same conversation, same intention, but a different order and everything shifts.

Example 2

Imagine a colleague saying:

“When I presented my idea, I felt like you dismissed it.”

The quick reflex might be:

“No, not at all, I just wanted to move faster!”

Again, completely human, but to the other person, it can sound like:“Your impression isn’t real.”

A more constructive continuation would be:

“I didn’t know you experienced it that way. Tell me about the exact moment you felt pushed aside.”

And then:

“I get it. I was trying to keep the discussion moving, but I see how it may have come across differently.”

You’re not denying your intention, you’re taking responsibility, and you’re acknowledging that impact can differ from intention. That’s where relationships solidify instead of shutting down.

So what is gaslighting in a professional context?

We often associate the word “gaslighting” with abusive relationships.

And yes, it can also happen intentionally in professional environments.

But that’s not the type I’m talking about here.

Here, I’m focusing on the subtle, everyday forms that show up at work when we respond too quickly, when we explain before listening, and when our reaction can make someone doubt their own experience.

Why does it happen?

When someone expresses discomfort, it can trigger:

• the fear of having done something wrong

• the desire to keep the peace

I’ve lived it too, wanting to reassure, fix, explain, move straight to the point.

The intention is rarely the issue. It’s the speed at which we jump into explanation that shuts the conversation down.

And if that still feels abstract, think of this simple, universal example:

customer service.

A client arrives upset. They start explaining what happened and the employee interrupts immediately to apologize.

The intention is good, but the effect is terrible: the client doesn’t feel heard at all.

It’s the exact same dynamic at work. Listen first. Explain second. Everything else becomes easier.

Transactional Analysis

I love Transactional Analysis (Eric Berne), which offers a simple way to understand our inner positions: the OK Corral.

We can unconsciously slip into:

• I’m OK / You’re OK

• I’m OK / You’re not OK

• I’m not OK / You’re OK

• I’m not OK / You’re not OK

When someone expresses a difficult emotion, many leaders slip into:

• I’m OK / You’re not OK (I start explaining to prove I acted “correctly”)

• I’m not OK / You’re OK (I start explaining to protect myself)

  
  

But the goal isn’t to decide who’s right or wrong, it’s to return to a neutral space:

I’m OK. You’re OK. That’s where we remember we’re two well-intentioned humans.

How to avoid it

Here’s what helped me the most as a leader:

1. Create a neutral circle

Before responding, I imagine myself and the other person in a neutral space, a reset point. “I’m OK. You’re OK.”

2. Return to the original good intention

I remind myself:“We’re two well-intentioned humans.”

3. Remember why

Not just why I hired them, but why this person is part of the team.

It can be a strength, a talent, a quality or a moment we lived together, even a small one.

It brings me back into a calmer state. Sometimes even into gratitude.

I taught the same to my team: when tension rises between colleagues, recalling a positive moment helps move out of defense mode. The problem doesn’t disappear, but we remember that there’s also humanity between us.

4. Return to the conversation with openness

“What did you experience?”

“What would you have needed?”

“What might I have missed?”

Simple and powerful.

Emotions are signals.

And when an employee or colleague shares discomfort, they’re not attacking you, they’re trusting you.

I’ve seen it so many times: the strongest professional relationships grow from uncomfortable but honest conversations.

Leadership happens there, in those micro-moments where we can unintentionally invalidate or choose to welcome.

And it all starts with an inner posture:

I’m OK. You’re OK.

And I promise: if I came close to gaslighting at any point in this article, it was unintentional. 😉

Author's note: In this article, “gaslighting” refers to unintentional forms of invalidation that can occur in professional conversations, not the deliberate, abusive form present in manipulative relationships.